Squid Plus One/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Squid Plus One" from season nine, which aired on September 7, 2015.


 * [The episode starts with the camera panning in on Squidward's house. Squidward arranges living room for a dinner while scatting, the oven dings and his cookies are done. Squidward smells the aroma of the freshly-baked cookies. He then goes into his living room and sets the pan of four, neatly organized, pieces of pointed toast on his coffee table then removes his oven mitts. A few clams grab his apron and carry it away. Then, the door bell rings.]
 * Squidward: Huh? [growls angrily]
 * [Squidward opens the door and sees no one]
 * SpongeBob: Hey.
 * [camera pans down showing SpongeBob standing at the door, smiling]
 * SpongeBob: Whatcha doing?
 * Squidward: I'm busy.
 * SpongeBob: How busy would you say you are on a scale of eight to nine?
 * Squidward: [angry] Fourteen!
 * SpongeBob: Squidward, I'm no mathematologist, but that sounds like a lot.
 * Squidward: [gets in SpongeBob's face] It is!
 * [SpongeBob's face pops back in place.]
 * SpongeBob: Okay, quick survey. Are you busy busy, or just busy?
 * Squidward: What's "busy busy?"
 * [SpongeBob opens his mouth to speak, but Squidward shuts his mouth with his hand.]
 * Squidward: No, no, no, no, no! Don't tell me! Don't tell me! Don't tell me anything, don't even tell me what you're doing here!
 * SpongeBob: [in a singing tone] I found a jump rope.
 * Squidward: [angry] I said not to tell me! [calmly] You're ruining my perfect afternoon. I'm spending some quality time with someone who's very important to me.
 * SpongeBob: Oh! Who's the lu-
 * [Squidward slams the door in SpongeBob's face.]
 * Squidward: [sighs; spreads butter on toast] Perfectly brown toast points. [pours kelp juice in glass]  Sparkling kelp juice. [raises glass and looks in his reflection]  Here's to me! [doorbell rings] D'oh! That simpering buffoon!
 * Squidward's reflection In glass: You have a great vocabulary.
 * Squidward: I know.
 * Squidward's reflection: Indubitably.
 * [Squidward puts down glass, slams door open, Norton the mailfish is there.]
 * Squidward: [angry] Go away!
 * [Norton starts crying.]
 * Norton: Okay. [starts walking away]
 * Squidward: Wait. I thought you were some other idiot.
 * Norton: No. I guess I'm just this idiot.
 * [Norton hands Squidward an envelope. Norton excitedly waits for Squidward to open it. He doesn't open it for about 10 seconds at first, but then opens it. A pop-up picture of Bikini Bottom opens out of a card that Squidward opens again.]
 * Norton: Why, it's beautiful.
 * [Squidward slams card closed and reads the front.]
 * Squidward: "You are cordially invited to the fanciest and shmansiest artistic event of the season: The opening of Galleria Diphtheria." Oh, I've heard of that! "Bikini Bottom's most exclusive fine arts showcase. This invitation guarantees the admittance of Squidward Tentacles--" [holds up card and squints eyes] "--Squidward Tentacles..." [misreads phrase on card] "...'Ploos Oh-nay.'"
 * [Norton appears behinds Squidward.]
 * Norton: Ah, it's a plus one.
 * Squidward: Ahh! What are you still doing here?
 * Norton: It's not "ploos oh-nay." It says "plus one"! [points to words on cards]
 * Squidward: Plus one! Oh, yeah, of course! Plus one! [starts laughing a little] Sure! [looks at invitation] What's a plus one?
 * Norton: Well, when you get an invitation to a party, sometimes, they put "plus one" on it to tell you it's okay to bring along a friend.
 * Squidward: Do you have to do it?
 * Norton: Well, no, you could go alone. It's just that everyone will laugh at you 'cause they think you're a friendless loser.
 * Squidward: What? Do you want me to call your supervisor and tell him you're just standing around?
 * [Norton sadly walks out of Squidward's house. Squidward opens the pop-up picture again.]
 * Squidward's reflection: You need to find a friend to take as your "plus one".
 * SpongeBob: [offscreen] Somebody like me?
 * [Squidward freaks out.]
 * SpongeBob: I like openings.
 * Squidward: No, not like you!
 * [Squidward slams the door on SpongeBob. SpongeBob's face pops back in place again and takes out his jump rope.]
 * SpongeBob: Come on, jump rope. I guess it's just you and me.
 * [SpongeBob puts one end of the jump rope inside his ear then walks away.Squidward quickly removes his relaxing stuff and takes out a phone book.]
 * Squidward: Let's see here. Friends... [coughs and then blows away the dust, then sighs]
 * Squidward: [while looking through the phone book] Friends, friends...
 * [Squidward keeps flipping the pages until he spots the number, "555-5717". Squidward gets surprised until it is revealed that the number was formed by little bugs.]
 * Squidward: Hm. Yeah, I wonder if I still have my receipt for this thing. No big deal. Anybody can make a friend by... [reveals more of the card that says...] ...tonight?! [walks around and thinks a bit] Let's see. There must be someone who's a real part of your life, Squidward. Who do you see every single day? Who do you know like the back of your suction cups?
 * [Squidward sees SpongeBob out the window, laughing and playing with his jump rope.]
 * Squidward: But, of course! It's so simple.
 * [Squidward runs out of the house. SpongeBob falls on his jump rope. Squidward runs up to SpongeBob.]
 * Squidward: SpongeBob, I have something to ask you.
 * [SpongeBob happily blinks his eyes to the camera and grabs Squidward's arm.]
 * SpongeBob: Of course I'll go to the opening with you!
 * Squidward: That wasn't the question. Which way did the mailman go?
 * SpongeBob: Oh, he said he had a package for the Widow Duncan. I think he went...
 * [Squidward quickly runs off. SpongeBob sadly walks away. Norton is delivering a package at the Widow Duncan's door and is having her sign some papers.]
 * Norton: And then you just initial there, and we're all set.
 * Squidward: Hey, there you are!
 * [Squidward runs up to Norton, but Norton becomes scared as he thinks Squidward is going to hurt him.]
 * Norton: Not in the face!
 * Squidward: What? What are you... Oh! [laughs] You always were a big kidder, huh? [laughs a bit] Mailman [thinks a second] guy?
 * Norton: Actually, I'm not a kidder. I'm much more of an introvert.
 * Squidward: I love introverts! Why, I'm an introvert!
 * [Squidward stands on Norton's head and the crowd cheers.]
 * Norton: You are?
 * [Squidward jumps down.]
 * Squidward: Say, I bet we have a lot in common.
 * Norton: [laughs nervously] Yeah, I don't know. I'm just a regular guy. But in not being a mailman, I love going to fancy art galleries.
 * Squidward: That's me!
 * Norton: And eating delicious food.
 * Squidward: Oh, delicious food is my favorite kind of food! Especially when that delicious food is something you can...
 * Both: Spread on a toast point!
 * [They both laugh and hug each other until they calm down.]
 * Squidward: Once you've had pointed toast, you just never want any other kind.
 * Norton: Right? And if there's one thing I hate, it's...
 * Squidward: [simultaneously] SpongeBob!
 * Norton: [simultaneously] Clarinets!
 * Squidward: Yeah, I know it... What?
 * Norton: I mean, what kind of maniac could enjoy the sound of a clarinet? That squeaky, hollow, kind of piercing howl from the very pits of Gehenna. Only a deluded blow-hard with nothing to lose could pick up a [grunts] clarinet and think "Yeah! This is for me! Let me inflict this pain on the world!" [laughs] Am I right, buddy? Heh. Uh.
 * [Squidward is nowhere to be seen.]
 * Norton: Buddy? [slaps his face] Stupid, stupid, stupid! Why are you so darn opinionated, Norton? All you do with your searing and abnormal honesty is drive everyone away! When's Norton's time? When's Norton's time to shine?!
 * Widow Duncan: Oh, Norton! I've always taken a shine to you. [winks as her dentures slide out]
 * [Norton nervously slides the dentures back in Widow Duncan's mouth and runs away. The scene changes to Squidward walking down a street in Bikini Bottom until he sees a can tied to a string.]
 * Squidward: Oh, you think you know a guy? [kicks can] Oh, who are you kidding? It's not in the cards for you. I bet not even this old tin can would be my friend.
 * SpongeBob: [talks through can] I'll be your friend.
 * Squidward: [grumbles as he picks up the can] Who is this?
 * SpongeBob: It's me, SpongeBob.
 * [Squidward looks at the can and reads the label, "Protein Powder" on it. The label on the can gives him an idea.]
 * Squidward: SpongeBob!
 * SpongeBob: Yes? I'm still here.
 * Squidward: I need to ask you something important.
 * [SpongeBob blinks his eyes in excitement.]
 * SpongeBob: You don't have to ask me three times.
 * [SpongeBob rips his pants and reveals a tuxedo underneath.]
 * Squidward: Will you tell Larry I want to talk to him?
 * [Squidward runs off and drops the can.]
 * SpongeBob: Oh.
 * [SpongeBob picks up the can and sadly starts to play jump rope.]
 * SpongeBob: Okey-doke.
 * [The scene changes to several of Larry's friends working out. Squidward is seen standing next to Larry as he is talking to him.]
 * Larry: So, Squidward, what do you wanna talk about?
 * Squidward: Well, it's, uh, kind of hard to put into words.
 * Larry: Oh, I've been there, amigo.
 * Squidward: You have?
 * Larry: Sure. But nothing clears the sawdust out of your brains quicker than a ride on a jet ski.
 * [Larry holds out a jet ski.]
 * Larry: Ever been on one of these little babies?
 * Squidward: Um, no. The.. they always seemed a little sporty for me.
 * Larry: Well, you only live once. And I just happen to have an extra helmet.
 * [Larry holds out a helmet for Squidward.]
 * Squidward: What the heck?
 * [Squidward puts on the helmet and rides with Larry across the water. As they ride, they draw images of Squidward and Larry in the water. Then the fly off a ramp and ride across the beach. The ride through some people standing in line at a ride in the amusement park.]
 * Unnamed fish: Hey!
 * [Larry and Squidward ride on the rails of a roller coaster with the jet ski. Squidward is then playing a game of pool with Larry. Then Squidward and Larry are watching a movie and eating popcorn with the jet ski. Squidward and Larry are now at a wig store playing music with the bongos and the clarinet while the jet ski is holding a saxophone. A man passes by and donates money to them.]
 * Squidward: We make quite a team!
 * Larry: I'll say!
 * Squidward: You know, earlier today, I met a jerk who said he didn't like clarinet music.
 * Larry: Hey, you know, that's very uncool. What kind of thoughtless ding-dong would knock another man's passion?
 * Squidward: You know, you're alright, Lester.
 * Larry: It's Larry.
 * Squidward: Whatever. The point is, do you want to go with me to a gallery opening tonight?
 * Larry: Well, that's not my kind of thing at all, but... for you, sure. I'll just need to stop by the apartment and make myself a protein shake.
 * Squidward: What?! You don't need that glop!
 * Larry: Oh, I wouldn't call it "glop". Protein shake saved my life, bro.
 * Squidward: Oh, come on. It's a fad. You don't wanna be one of those mindless rubes who marches around in a constant haze of stupidity. "I love protein shakes. I'm the most gullible rube on the planet. Duh! Duh! Duh! Give me my stupid protein shake."
 * [Squidward bumps into Larry while he continues to mock. He looks up and sees Larry in extreme anger after the way he made fun of him.]
 * Squidward: [dumbfounded] I mean...
 * [Larry punches Squidward to the ground and walks off. Squidward pops his head out.]
 * Squidward: So, are we still on for tonight? Sevenish?
 * [Squidward looks at his reflection on the window.]
 * Squidward: [sighs] I guess it's just you and me again.
 * [Squidward turns and sees SpongeBob breathing heavily.]
 * Squidward: [scoffs] What are you doing here?
 * SpongeBob: [holds out his jump rope] Just playing draggy rope. You wanna play?
 * Squidward: No.
 * SpongeBob: You hold on to one end of the rope and you drag it behind you like a sea snake is chasing you, like this. Wanna play?
 * Squidward: Just get me out of here!
 * SpongeBob: [silence] Will do.
 * [SpongeBob pulls Squidward out of the hole with the jump rope, but ends up making him fall flat on his face.]
 * Squidward: Thanks.
 * SpongeBob: Anything for a friend.
 * [Squidward comes up with an idea.]
 * Squidward: Friend?
 * [Squidward sees his reflection in SpongeBob's eyes and grins.]
 * Squidward: Would you be my plus one?
 * [SpongeBob gasps in excitement. The scene changes to people attending the Galleria Diptheria. A limousine drives up and Squidward, who is now wearing a tuxedo, steps out.]
 * Squidward: Come on, SpongeBob.
 * [SpongeBob, dressed in a black suit, comes out of the limousine with a mirror that shows Squidward's reflection and closes the door. Squidward and SpongeBob walk across the red rug with the mirror.]
 * Perch Perkins: And here comes Squidward Tentacles and what must be either a bizarre piece of performance art or the saddest display of loneliness it has ever been my displeasure to report. One is inclined to suspect the second thing I said. A thing about sadness!
 * [Squidward and SpongeBob stop in the middle.]
 * Squidward's reflection: You'll always be my plus one!
 * Squidward: Aww!
 * [The episode ends with people taking random pictures of Squidward, SpongeBob and the mirror with Squidward's reflection on it.]